Panic in the Street of Beyond

There are a lot of things to think about, the news has it all. This past few weeks are filled with dreaded and whimsy headline. I won’t give details but the Royal Wedding, Benediction of Pope John Paul II and Osama being dead are just some of the major. And others like earthquake here and there and who win what and who lead who and whatnot. 

Part of me is saying WTF! Growing old means feeling a great concern of what’s happening around. Honestly, at my age, I still feel like a kid who never gets tired of playing around. I walk the streets of Ayala everyday and see different kind of people, most of the time the elders would caught my attention. My refusal to accept that someday my hair would turn gray, my eyes would lose its sparkle of youth and my skin would crumple, things like that  would hit me in an instant and I feel a little panic on my stomach.

Aging physically is inevitable but lord knows how I do everything to delay that process. I wouldn’t wanna see myself walking in my fat ass wearing leopard print. So I diet to the point where I almost collapse of not eating. I know that I’m a healthy eater and eating disorder is far off the discussion, but gosh how I control. Conscious. Control. Resist.

But my being concern with what’s happening around in my tiny world, like taking more of the usually responsibility and being accountable for someone are few of my biggest fears. I know I can do it, but sometimes (just sometimes) I doubt myself and sometimes (just sometimes) situations destroy my confidence. By accepting that I am now part of the so called “Prime” wherein now my opinion matter. Being address as “Senior” by the younger generation and how some looks at me as a role model. Being called “ma’am or madam” when asking for service, knowing that I can now afford. The ability to decide and control on serious matters and handle crucial task that was once far off my concern are now all landing in my lap, just like that.  Those are some of my own worries. The world is getting smaller as I am getting older and I tend to see things on a different light. A kid in me is dying to play all the game that I can possibly play but my other self is telling me “hey! You! Be serious”. 

You know how it feels to be young while pretending to be an adult? It makes no difference when you’re an adult insisting be young. Physically on both cases it’s awkward. Mentally it’s annoying and weird. Emotionally it’s a rollercoaster of fears, confidence and it’s a big dance of half step forward and a whole step backward.  Honestly, I should not be scared of all the surprises that tag along with this so called life. We are all taught to be brave and take action in all situations.  Are we all trained to camouflage, to blend in, to shift shape in all changes? Isn’t it sometimes so perfectly trained that we fail to take notice, and before we knew it that chapter has ended.  Sooner or later, we will all see the big picture and that picture is a big canvass of abstract. The colors are vivid and dull all at the same time.

I have to think. At the end of the day we all have to look back and see what we have accomplished, the achievements that we have garner because of hard work and dedication, the milestone of our lives and all the things that we have. Or do we all have to feel sorry for not being that great of a person. But is there someone who looked back and shouted “I am the greatest!”? NONE. But at least there are some who looked back, smile and say “I have lived a well life and I am a decent person”. And how some leave space for regrets and sorrows, what’s left of them are old pictures of dark fake glorious days. Lord, please forbid me from leading a life like that. I pray.

Am I on the verge of Panic? Well, I guess everything’s (still) under control and I am hanging on that thin tread that says “enjoy and be merry” because there is something beyond and sooner or later I have to open that door. May it come to me naturally. Well I'm too young to panic like that. 

Blessed be!