Pffft! Sigh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I’m going nuts! Tomorrow I need to be fast! I’m getting agitated, nervous, disturb, troubled, worried, jumpy, panicky, tense, uneasy that’s all the adjective I can think of to describe how I feel for tomorrow! Dang! I can’t say why but I’ll be posting the reason for my highly eager state tomorrow if I succeed! please don’t make me fail! I got one clue though….
RAT RACE BABY!!!
I have plans, my dangerous mind is playing. I know myself very well when it comes to planning and putting things into action, I know I can make it. I’m very competitive and cognitive recognition is exceedingly outstanding. I can do things once I put my heart into it, I should know that, I’ve done it a thousand times! Waaaaaaaaahahaha I’m trying to motivate myself real bad…real real bad! Hahaha!
I don’t know but I really like you so I gotta have you…so tomorrow you will be mine!!!
Bwaaaaaahahahaha! *evil grin*
Wooooh LET’S GO LEVZ! FIGHT! AYT!
I don’t know what it means but every part of me is awesomely contradicting each part? You see, I have this very warm feeling inside so warm that I feel so cold. I also feel outlandishly happy- amazingly happy that I feel sad over this extreme happiness, is that happty-sad? I sigh over trivial things not the Negative-Annoying-Sigh but more of the Haay-what am I going to do?-Sigh, have you ever feel that?
I’m starting to believe that I'm experiencing olfactory hallucination because I can smell the same scent and I kept on following that scent to no avail but still fail to see where it’s coming from, all I know is I can smell sweet scents of musky flowers, it gives me shivers. I smile in a sudden swift not knowing why. My mood is as ever changing, and I feel like I'm riding a ship in a squall. But despite all of this shifts I still find it nice- NICE that’s all of I can think of, the best I can describe how I feel- I FEEL NICE.
I’m spacing out, I look at nothingness, and I swear, I can see that there is something in there, like it was there for a reason, a reason only I can understand. I wonder why I can see details, completeness and meaning amidst that emptiness, I'm seeing it like an abstract piece of art waiting to be scrutinize. WHAT THE F IS THAT?
Lately I’ve been listening to sad music, ok! Call that emo (whatever) but I’m rather confuse because I smile with every line...tch! get this: “ ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, it’s not warm when she’s away, ain’t know sunshine when she’s gone, she’s always gone too long anytime she goes away…” what is there to smile about, tell me? But hey! look at me grinning like a fool! And I blame my brother for posting Maxwell’s new song “Pretty Wings” at his FB wall, now I smirk like a dupe listening to it for the Nth time and banging my head in an RnB motion. Maxwell is so amazing, how he can sing a sad song and makes me feel otherwise. Genius!
Have you ever had this feeling like... umm... when you feel like eating your favorite candy and yet you feel so guilty because someone wants it more than you do? So what do you do? Hahaha! You look at that person with an irritating but bewildered look, harhar! but still refuse to give up on your candy so you sat there quietly and just leave it like that, then walk away. Duh! of course I won’t give that person my candy, but I won’t eat my candy in front of that person either. I’m not going to watch that sad looking face and I’m not going to let that person watch my victorious chew as I take pleasure in each bite. LOLS! I’m not your sadistic nor masochistic kinda’ girl but sometimes, just sometimes I find it exciting *rolling my eyes in delight*….hahaha my heart is such a meme and it‘s working dumb today…I feel so confused.
~Away from me to see clearly, the way that love can be when you are not with me...
I HAD TO LEAVE, I HAD TO LIVE!
~~~FLY YOUR PRETTY WINGS AROUND.
Things aren't sailing the way I wanted it to be, but this September I expect my winds to shift into a different direction. And just when I thought that everything is at mess--- tadah! A savior scooped me out of the puddle of mud! And I skip and hop and hum!
Technically I should not be greeting everyone a Merry Christmas, it’s too early for merry greetings but since I’m in the mood ~~~Merry Christmas ^^
August was a burden on the later part and I was annoyed by some people especially with the one who send me that nasty email…Hahaha! I had written my two cents about that issues but it’s something that I should not talk about when I’m feeling a little gorgeous. But I still wanna put some excerpts of what I have written. Here it goes:
You! on the other hand, would understand when you grow up that these things are too complicated to handle and would hope it won’t happen to you! I’m sure when the right time comes you would thank me for being this straight. Are you ready to handle the consequences of your action? Are you ready to get involve in a difficult situation that would require emotional and legalities not to mention facing the truth that we are in? Are you ready to let everyone including your Fam (if you are that bad serious abt it) know the truth about your relationship without losing their trust, humiliating or hurting them? Those are the questions that you should be asking yourself because no matter how you deny the fact we cannot run away! Yes WE! Hehehe I’m part of it so lets partey like it’s hot!
I for a fact don’t want to get involve with that person in any form of relationship. He put me in a great deal of humiliation and destroyed what I have worked hard to achieve and I would never forgive him on that matter. The fact that he is so selfish, stubborn and inconsiderate of mine and the little boy’s situation is unacceptable and I would never pay the respect that he is claiming to earn. You mister doesn’t deserve any reverence in any form. And I have never loathed anyone in my years of existence and you will always remind me of that feeling, no matter how I resist anger. And I (in God’s time) will commit myself again, but until that right time comes I won’t involve anyone at my mess because I believe in K-A-R-M-A! *Chameleon, they come and go wooh-ooh!*
The end.
**I might scrub this out after 3 days or so, I don’t want to taint my space. I know--- I said it’s just an excerpt but 'twas long believe me when I say that I have cut it to make it short. I think I have written like 2000 words for that issue alone! Hahahaha!
September is giving me a good vibes. IDK, but I smell scents of lilies and pine trees it gives me a good feeling. My mood is perfect and before I knew it I’ll be hearing Christmas carols plus the weather is getting breezy. I’m getting the Christmas jitters. So welcome Ber-months!
Oh and for my playlist, I’ve been listening to Bice *pronounce as bee-che* she’s a Japanese singer/songwriter, she composed several anime soundtrack like Mahoraba~ Heartful days, Kirarin Revolution and Kimi wa petto (Japanese Manga Adaptation). Unfortunately she died of heart attack last July 26, 2010, she’s just 38 years of age. She’s a genius songwriter and according to her last blog she was supposed to release a song or collaborate for an upcoming anime. I specially love her songs Cloudy Sky, Like Someone in love, Akubi, Tsusunde Ageru, and An apple a day. Her song Like Someone in Love and Cloudy Sky is constantly playing on my list. I’m thinking of cutting my bangs in full to show my heartfelt tribute to her ^^ Rest in Peace Bice. Kanpai anata no jinsei ni!
Anyways, here’s a preview of what I did on the first day of September, I’ll be writing about the place and the food on a different account. This was at Chungkiwa my favorite Korean Restaurant in Makati, I’ve been there a couple of times so I think they deserve some commendation ^^jalmugutseumnida! Kamsahamnida!^^
I’m scared of the possibility of me falling in love again, I promised myself it will never happen again...not that I’m in a relationship right now honestly I am not in any of that form. But why am I scared because I can see that it is something that can’t be avoided in one way or another I will fall for someone who I will always doubt and be paranoid of his intentions.
I hate going through the motion of giving myself to a person and being in a vulnerable state, to love is to get hurt and got get hurt is something that I can’t afford. I have turned down men a couple of times and sway away whenever I feel that the friendship is going somewhere I would never want to be in. But this time I am thinking, why am I doing that? Am I going to reject everyone? Don’t I want to be happy? Why am I building so many walls? Why am I blocking them from loving me?
My last relationship was the most disastrous I’ve ever been. I have loved that person unconditionally more that I could ever love myself or anyone in that instance. I was hurt badly I was disarmed and that pain dismantled my soul. For years I was blaming everyone, everything that I can, myself, the people around us, the situation, and the wrong moves. and yet I deny that fact that, that person was the one responsible for all the pain I was going through. He never admit his mistakes and he never said sorry for causing such pain instead he façade me with his “I don’t care how you hurt” face and said all those nasty words that made me who I am right now. He throw away all that we had and he eat all of his words like a famished creature wanting to hide all he could devour so I won’t be able to hunt all those pieces and shove it in his mouth.
I wanted to scream in his face and tell him how much he have damage me but that won’t do any good. That person had grew to someone I don’t know anymore, I’m not familiar on that side of his. He has grown into someone completely alien from that person I grew up with and talking to him about my pain would only be a laughable mistake.
If I could turn back the time I would pick up all the pieces and mistake but all is said and done. Even writing this entry doesn’t help or do any good it’s just me and venting all these turmoil inside me, although years have passed but the damage are irreversible. I have grown to out love that person and I can say I don’t care anymore. but I’m still wishing for sincerity coming from that person at least not for me but between the words that we said and for him to take responsibility and be a dignified matured man because right now all I can see from him are his failures and his pathetic life swinging from one college girl to another and putting away his wacky…tsk tsk tsk…focus and know where you’re heading at, you only have one shot in this life and I won’t be responsible for all the choices that you make and made so stop blaming everything on me because I am beautiful and I trying live a refine life.
Today I promise that I would go easy on myself and open up to the right person, I won’t rush things but be more cautious and meticulous in choosing what is right and be more sensitive to the signs. I would be more objective and be open with the idea or possibility of falling in love again. I don’t wanna wake up feeling that I don’t have a future and I will fall in love but not fall hard on the ground.
Times like this when I feel I have to draw the line. For some time I have been very patience and I guess I have given all my understanding. Yeah, you call me bitch and call me the worst person who say’s everything I wanted to say without any repercussion and I think you describe me very well. But didn't you know that I've been very careful with how I deal things with you not because I was required to but because I care. But today I am officially hurting, not mad, not angry, not annoyed but HURT!
I was called by names a million times, I remember I was the “JINX” and I was humiliated a couple of times too…I never argue about that, I was always willing to let it pass and I guess by doing that I have suppressed some emotions inside. I have bottled it all up and now I just can’t take it. Then I have to blame myself because I refuse to deal with it, I let it slip away without knowing that I was cradling it all inside.
Respect! Yes, that’s a very intricate word. How do you define the word respect? Do you show it through words, through action, through thoughts? I don’t know you tell me. Let me realize what the word respect means.
You have stated very well how brutally frank I am, how sarcastic I can be , how diabolic my thinking is and how blunt I speak. But dude! Didn’t you made it clear that you know me and you acknowledged the fact that it’s part of who I am? If I have hurt you or if those are cause of your insolence then why didn’t you say that I was bad being me? I was being ME for God’s sake! And you know what? I won’t even mention any good side of which I am…it’s all up to you my friend, if you can even think of any. Tsk tsk tsk!
And yes I have a heart of stone and I don’t get easily affected by how people look at me, I don’t give a damn to what they say, they don’t matter, they don’t even exist in my world and even if they reject me I wouldn’t give a BS. But WE, we are FRIENDS (aren’t we?).
Now I’m beginning to question and doubt why we are friends? I’m not a person who enumerates the variables between friendships but I’m starting too and I swear it’s not a good feeling. My head is spinning and my heart is aching.
I had it today and I guess it's time to rest my head on this matter…I hope I made it all clear. It's a small issue I know, but I guess I’ll never know when a small bite can trigger my death. I rest my case.
Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. And I get real frustrated. It's like, I try hard to do it and I take my time, but it just doesn't work out the way I want it to. It's like I concentrate on it real hard, but it just doesn't work out. And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out! It's like; I need time to figure these things out. There's always someone there going,
"Hey Mike, you know, we’ve been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you know. You should maybe get away, and like, maybe you should talk about it, you’d feel a lot better."
I go, "No, its okay you know, I'll figure it out. Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out you know, I'm just working on myself."
And they go, "Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it, I'll be here ya know, and you'll probably feel a lot better if ya talked about it, so why don'tcha talk about it?!"
I go, "No! I don't want to I'm okay! I'll figure it out myself!"
Who cares if we fail and vent out all our frustration into something like writing or drinking or crying or shouting, isn’t that normal? Sometimes we go over board if another person inflict us displeasure… what do you want us to do sit down, watch and smile, and just let that person snatch or destroy everything that we have? And so if we act hurt and express our emotion people will think that we’ve gone crazy or something bad is going to happen. They go offering support and asking question when all you want is total silence to contemplate on the things that’s running in your mind, while everyone’s playing their own favorite role: a psychologist or a therapist without license. But hey! For as long as I’m not killing anyone or inflicting pain on myself or committing arson I think people should back out and mind there own little business.
She goes, "No, you're on drugs!"
I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking."
She goes, "No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act in that way!"
I go, "Mom, just give me a Pepsi please, all I want is a Pepsi." And she wouldn't give it to me! Just one Pepsi! And she wouldn't give it to me! All I wanted was a Pepsi! Just a Pepsi!
Damn it! The son Just wants Pepsi and the mother won't give it to him because she thinks his son is an addict!~~~ Supports are expected from everyone in the Family, but I see a lot of dysfunctional family relationship, when I say dysfunctional family it should not be mistaken that for broken family~~that’s misconception. Dysfunctional family means that they fail to communicate and know who their family members are; in which conflict, misbehavior and abuse on the each part of individual members happen continually or shall I say its part of their daily routine. I’ve grown up in a family that doesn’t have any fraternal influence and our family is quite big, as in, Big Extended Traditional Filipino Family. I was raised by my mother with the help of her two sisters and brother in laws who never judge and assume but let me speak my mind freely without inhibition. Even though I was not guided by fatherly rules my family never fails to discipline, support and understand me. We had our share of fights and misunderstanding but we always sit down and calibrate on whatever issues we have. I believe that everyone in my family offers understanding, patience and support, reasons why I, my sibling and my cousins learned not to mess around.
Our society is the real killer, sometimes I think they dictate too much that everyone is dying and trying so hard to be on top of their standards. Our society is the one who dictates our social status and roles. In my own words they are the one who can classify the poor from the aristocrat. They are the one who categorize the insane from the plainly idiotic or stupid. When they tag you as insane expect that everyone will be looking at you like you’ve committed a heinous crime or you're infected with some morbid contagious disease. I know that Society is essential for implementing rules to have peace and order but most of the times it’s just cliché and stereotype.
This line should own you “How can you say what my best interest is!? When I went to your schools! I went to your churches! I went to your institutional learning facilities!” I’m not saying that humanity is bad in general, it’s a just that I think that we sometimes fail to see the real essence of each individuals and fail to recognized that each person are born unique. We don’t think the same, we don’t act the same, and we don’t eat and sh*t the same stuff!
I’m tired explaining this I’m sure those who are reading this will understand where I’m coming from. Bottom line: I hate the fact that people are judging others and saying what’s best for them, when they also have their own dysfunctional life. HEY! why don’t you just institutionalize yourself!
On my birthday I received a lot of greetings and well wishes. But there’s this particular wish that made me think. Someone wished for me to find my own happiness. I know what it pertains to, I started questioning myself. Am I not that happy? Or Do I need anything/anyone to be happy?
What defines your happiness? Hmmmmm….?
I don’t know…I’m not going to tell you the things that should make you happy. You have to decide that on your own.
What makes me happy?
The fact that I’m still alive makes me happy. My son, my family, my friends, my colleagues, my career, my cheap finds, expressing my mind through my blog, travelling, listening to music, playing the guitar, reading books and blogs, taking my pictures and others, drinking and chatting with friends till morning, having a fine conversation with my seniors, I can list all the things even to the tiniest details but some would still question my life’s fulfillment.
I’m young, I can still sail my vessel to any direction that I wish. And I’m not going to depend my happiness on someone or something because I know that it will only be catastrophic. I am happy because I’m happy, it’s a state of mind, it an attitude. I can’t imagine myself living another life than my life today. We can never measure anyone’s happiness, so let’s not judge people by how they live their life and assume that~~ that person is miserable than you just because you think that your happiness will also define that person’s happiness. No don’t do that, don’t make that mistake.
Oh well, I’m happy that someone wished me to find my happiness and just a clarification I’m not angry. In fact, I’m thankful because if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t sit down and stop whatever I am doing to access and check my good sense. Maybe that person also affects me in a way that’s why I have to ask myself and check if I’m happy with my goddamn life. LOL ^^
Oh effin' YES!
Hey there April! Welcome to my year 2010. How have you been? Well, I’m quite enjoying my time wandering and here you come! I miss you, although I know you’ll be adding another mark on my wall (Sigh) but I’ll be welcoming you with a bang!
I’m getting older and yes, It’s time and I’m ready!…a friend of mine once told me: “if you want to find the right one for you, girl this is the best time”… ok so I’m going back to the pool huh!? How do I get back? Is there a new trend in finding the one? hehehehe
I went to this oh not so cool and not too dull party (I didn’t even drink a lot) a guy approach me with his glimmering smile…he said “Hi! So you are ____ friend?” I said “yeah hi!” (FUSHU! made me feel like in a high school soiree…hahahaha so old school and yet I feel like an amateur).10, 000 dozen questions followed one after another…where do you work? What do you do for a living? Someone even ask what brand of make-up I use (makes me wonder hmmmmmm…make-up?) and someone even ask me to challenge them like how I usually conduct interviews, to throw questions and evaluate if they will pass and so on and so forth.
Funny because some of them are just irresistibly charming…but I have put my guards up... I have to be more alert and inquisitive. Thing is, guys now days are simply deceiving and because of that I have to work double time (can't afford to have another mistake), bringing out the Nancy Drew in me…
First things first, differentiate the Well from the Rotten… How? Get to know them…
ASK INTELLECTUAL QUESTIONS
Ask anything that will stir up his intellectual juice, ask him why he took that course in college, ask him the most recent book he had read, ask him what kind of music he listens to, ask him how he view politics and know his social awareness lastly, ask him if he knows the Naiver Stoke equation (Joke, don’t ask him the equation part hahaha! unless you want the man to run away as fast as he could).
KNOW HIS BREAD AND BUTTER
You have to know if the person is earning his own dough or if the man is a living scrub. If he asks a lot of questions about what you do for a living and what not, then take the liberty in asking the same series of questions. If he refuses to answer or give you a series of zigzag unsure response like “I can’t divulge that info because I work as an undercover to some UFO agency” then chances are he’s a bomb or his trying to construct his answer to make it more appealing. Does it matter how much he earns? (YES hahaha!) Not really, what matter is how well he takes his job and if he’s happy with it.
KNOW HIS RELIGIOUS BELIEF
Ask about the guy’s religion and beliefs because those are the fundamental recipes of all relationship, whether its friendship, business or love. But be careful not to create too much fuss about the subject, you don’t have to convert the guy into your religion (yet HAHA!), and please that’s not a best topic for debate unless you want to annoy that person.
GET TO KNOW HIS ROOTS
Ask about his family background. What does his parents do for a living? Ask about his sibling and their relationship. Ask about his mother, guys in reality are all fan of their momma and honestly speaking I would go for a 3rd degree momma’s boy than to know that he despise his mother. Make sure that the guy is someone who value Family. Someone would do things first for his Family before his friends.
IS HE EMOTIONALLY STABLE
Make sure that he is in touch with his emotions, observe how he talk to his friends and how he handle the most crucial situation (this comes on the later part), does he communicate his feelings openly with you, If not, you just got yourself a dry ice, congratulations! But again, not too in touch that he would whimper at the scene of sun rising or sob while watching Titanic.
IS HE LEVEL HEADED
Does your beau handle situation by weighing things or is he the type of a person who would go for spur-of-the-moment. I personally like guys who are spontaneous but only to a certain degree. There are things that can’t be decided by doing mini-mini-my-nimo or rock-paper-scissor or Coin Tossing. I like a man who would lead me or who would give me the pros and cons or who would give sensible advice in whatever decision I make. I would never go for a guy who can’t handle his own sh*t.
KNOW HIS INTEREST
Of course don’t expect that everything will be magic, like everything is coincidently a gift from heaven and amazingly same for both of you. You don’t want your man’s to like shopping or going to a beauty parlor grooming for a hobby or those other stuff that we normally do. But it will be an advantage to know what he likes and what he enjoy doing. In some of my forgotten relationship I fail to do this because I was too selfish to let my exs enjoy their own lives, I ruined their identity by making them watch teenybopper movie, making them listen to heavy metal because I don’t listen to RnB (only had 1 BF who listen to that by the way), changing his fashion taste because he looks too jologs (tacky) in his shirts and others that I refuse to remember HAHAHA! Let the guy have his own identity and let him enjoy what he likes doing.
OK don’t panic you don’t need to ask those question or know all of those things right at your first meeting or he’ll might think that you’re an alien from another planet studying male species. As you go along, like if he asks for your number and calls you that the time you hit the red button…be careful never ask question that you yourself cannot answer or the table will just tip over your face. Don’t impress guys. It’s a fact that guys are mostly scared of strong woman, so be subtle and at the same time don't change your list/criteria because of some pretty face.
Important note:You have to hear everything from the horse's mouth. Don’t rely on what your/his friends are telling you otherwise you’ll be banging your head on the wall. Oh well, have a merry hunting and May we all be prosperous in this side life.
I believe that everyone was born with someone to guide them. May we all find the hand that fit ours ^^v
So why do you keep coming back?
WHY??? Because I can’t find the reason why…
WHY??? Because I’m so tied up…
WHY??? Because I want it intact…
WHY??? Because it was there all the time…
WHY??? Because I’m tired…
WHY??? Because the reasons are endless…
Things that I would like to do for MY MAN
Massage his back after a long tiring day
Wake up early and watch him sleep until he yawns and reach for me.
Sing and play my guitar until he gets tired of listening to my voice.
Fix his collar and tie and hand him his hanky before going to work.
Watch whatever he enjoys watching (I hope he enjoys Myth Busters, ah… whatever will do).
Prepare coffee and toast in the morning for him.
Give him butterfly kisses at night and a kiss in the nose in the morning.
Read his favorite book and discuss what’s interesting in that book.
Contradict his opinion to entice intellectual conversation.
Play dorky to make him laugh.
Cook his favorite food and snacks.
Nag only in a cute manner.
Compliment his hair, smiles and eyes.
Buy his medicine when his not feeling well.
Back him up and support him from doing the things that he wants.
Laugh with him and our silliness till we drop and roll on the floor.
Encourage his competitive streak by not losing to him.
Join his random silliness chain of thoughts with evil grin. BWAHAHAHA!
Things that I want MY MAN to do for me
Let me sleep until I get tired of sleeping with his arms wrap around me.
Read my favorite book or recite my poem.
Let me win in whatever games we have. (Sometime)
Go on a road trip with me and be spontaneous.
Sneak food a night for me. Food Trip Partner.
Smile when I feel down or tickle me when I feel cranky.
Teach me more guitar techniques (if he knows how to play the guitar).
Learn how to play the guitars for me HAHAHA.
Sing w/ me in a karaoke without minding what other people are saying.
Massage my head when I’m having a migraine.
Buy me medicine when I’m sick.
Tell me in my face if I’m acting stupid without hesitation.
Give me surprises every now and then.
Wear the clothes that I think will suit him (we better have the same taste in fashion LOL).
Compliment me in little ways like “you’re a good cook”, “your hair smells good”, “you look nice in that dress” because every woman wants a man who complements their beau.
Caress my hair to calm me down when I’m panicking.
Lastly, never forget any important dates like anniversaries or birthdays.
Oh man, that’s almost near to perfection. My future man might not be able to do everything that I want and I might also fail to do the things that he wants. I just love listing things and who knows one day my knight in shining armor will come to my rescue and complete my list! Wishful thinking!
Now don’t blame me if you’re experiencing goose bumps all over your body, remember that I’ve started this post with warnings. Now whack your heads!
