If I fall hard

I’m scared of the possibility of me falling in love again, I promised myself it will never happen again...not that I’m in a relationship right now honestly I am not in any of that form. But why am I scared because I can see that it is something that can’t be avoided in one way or another I will fall for someone who I will always doubt and be paranoid of his intentions.

I hate going through the motion of giving myself to a person and being in a vulnerable state, to love is to get hurt and got get hurt is something that I can’t afford. I have turned down men a couple of times and sway away whenever I feel that the friendship is going somewhere I would never want to be in. But this time I am thinking, why am I doing that? Am I going to reject everyone? Don’t I want to be happy? Why am I building so many walls? Why am I blocking them from loving me?

My last relationship was the most disastrous I’ve ever been. I have loved that person unconditionally more that I could ever love myself or anyone in that instance. I was hurt badly I was disarmed and that pain dismantled my soul. For years I was blaming everyone, everything that I can, myself, the people around us, the situation, and the wrong moves. and yet I deny that fact that, that person was the one responsible for all the pain I was going through. He never admit his mistakes and he never said sorry for causing such pain instead he façade me with his “I don’t care how you hurt” face and said all those nasty words that made me who I am right now. He throw away all that we had and he eat all of his words like a famished creature wanting to hide all he could devour so I won’t be able to hunt all those pieces and shove it in his mouth.

I wanted to scream in his face and tell him how much he have damage me but that won’t do any good. That person had grew to someone I don’t know anymore, I’m not familiar on that side of his. He has grown into someone completely alien from that person I grew up with and talking to him about my pain would only be a laughable mistake.

If I could turn back the time I would pick up all the pieces and mistake but all is said and done. Even writing this entry doesn’t help or do any good it’s just me and venting all these turmoil inside me, although years have passed but the damage are irreversible. I have grown to out love that person and I can say I don’t care anymore. but I’m still wishing for sincerity coming from that person at least not for me but between the words that we said and for him to take responsibility and be a dignified matured man because right now all I can see from him are his failures and his pathetic life swinging from one college girl to another and putting away his wacky…tsk tsk tsk…focus and know where you’re heading at, you only have one shot in this life and I won’t be responsible for all the choices that you make and made so stop blaming everything on me because I am beautiful and I trying live a refine life.

Today I promise that I would go easy on myself and open up to the right person, I won’t rush things but be more cautious and meticulous in choosing what is right and be more sensitive to the signs. I would be more objective and be open with the idea or possibility of falling in love again. I don’t wanna wake up feeling that I don’t have a future and I will fall in love but not fall hard on the ground.

Your 500 commento goes here!

My project 365 is running just fine and I’m pleased that I’m getting nice feedback from friends, not to mention all the push whenever I feel like giving up. I was flabbergasted when I saw more than 500 comments with just 70 pictures posted. Amazing right? I didn’t know that it will be a success, but that’s too early to say when I still have more than 200 days to go.

Keeping it interesting is a little bit hard. Of course I have to continually seek for something that will gain their attention, so in that case I have posted photos with family, friends and this was one particular picture who capture almost everyone attention and boom the project survive its first two months.

Anyways, here are the things that I might need for my 365 and the things that I want for this season.

• Rubber boots
• Beanie/ski cap the colorful ones
• Trench coat (the real thing)
• See thru umbrella
• White boyfriend’s long sleeves
• Cycler’s jeans
• Ankle pants color mustard
• Majorette/Marching band’s coats I don’t know how you call those jackets hahaha Beatles Jacket LOL
• Classic motor bike helmet with eye mask

I wish to take picture in the following place:

• Beach
• Plane, Ship or Big Bike
• Club (as in while clubbing)
• New resto in manila
• Some spots in valley view LOL
• Some areas in the office
• I hope to get a picture out of the country *wish*

I’m planning to do a little cosplay in the upcoming months but I’m still on the planning stage. Have all the days to do that with 295 left. But come what may, sometimes the most laziest shoot are the ones that are more interesting…I wonder why!?

The Wife: A bigamy case

“Everyone falls in love and people want to live with the one that they love. Everybody does children, grown-ups, married people, unmarried people and me and this bastard next to me. Even if the person I hate disappears, life doesn’t suddenly become beautiful.”~ Anaega Gyeolhonhaetda

One of the things that I do on my free time is watching Japanese or Korean movies, today I have watched “Anaega Gyeolhonhaetda”: My wife got married. The title strikes me not because I’m a wife who wants to get married but because I think I might want to consider marriage if my wind shifts into the right direction.

At first I expect a regular comedy romance story where the characters will fall in love and get married and then woman will fall in love with another man that will eventually lead to divorce before she gets married again, but slowly as each scene matured I started feeling bizarre as to what the woman wants.

The Story:

The scene in the subway started it all when the woman meets her former colleague and after a drinking reunion the two then realized that they have one thing in common, they love football. The girl offers him to have coffee at her house and everything just followed~ the sex and the relationship. The heroine’s character portrayed a cool, hardworking, intelligent and sexy lass but the downside to her positive traits are her carelessness attitude she refuse to be tied down, she come home late at night drunk, believe that life can be played strategically like a football game and she collects old books not because she reads them, she collects because she love the smell of it. The male protagonist’s character however can be safely classify as any regular guy, a man who falls in love with an exceptional woman and a chap who would do anything to tie the knot so he can pacify her outrageous girlfriend. His goal is to marry and have children with her but the story took its twist not long enough before their honeymoon ends when the woman declared that she wants to marry another guy, but wouldn’t give up their current relationship either.

As a viewer my thoughts are “that’s impossible, this can’t happen in real life, very illusory.” But the portrayals of every character’s emotion are unexpectedly realistic: betrayal, jealousy, helplessness, loneliness, understanding, hatred, paranoia, and desire to keep the relationship prevent me from hitting the stop button.

As the movie progress I was fascinated to see all those motion. Both of the characters holding on to one another, the man accepting her wife’s desire to marry another man, swallowing every pain he can afford to gulp in and the mental battle he has to suffer realizing their role reversal. The wife juggling her time between two men, thus giving them equally love and attention and bearing with both husbands emotional instability. The second husband (not so visible until the mid part) who I think is very subtle, quiet and understanding of his situation. The real drama came when the woman announced her pregnancy and now the question is: who could be the father of the baby?

To make the story short, the first husband took a DNA test to find out who the real father is and announced it during the kid’s birthday party displaying his stubborn competitiveness and jealousy, the woman on the other hand run away from both husbands disappointed and humiliated and the second leading husband was left behind lonely and seeking comfort from the first husband. Then after sometime both men received an invitation to live with the woman they love under her stipulation and both men out of love agreed and they live happily ever after.

Is it realistic or not? Am I not used to this kind of movie because I’m wedged with double standards? But then again putting myself under the first husband’s shoes and trying to feel it when let’s say my husband tells me “I want to marry another woman” would I take time to soak it all in and rationalize things or just dash my way to out leaving my husband behind for falling in love with another woman.

Our society, unfair as it may seem would only permit man’s infidelity, the heroine’s proposal is damned to be ridiculous and socially unacceptable, but why is it not as dreadful as when a husband confess to his wife that he is having an affair? Why does everyone expect the wife to stay and fix whatever there is to be fixed?

My point of view

First of all I don’t understand infidelity, I know that people do change and so as their preferences but why marry if you’re in doubt. Is it enough to say that you did your best but things didn’t work out, if that’s the case then why not just end it instead of giving yourself a hell on earth and why is it socially accepted for men to cheat on their wives? This didn’t take a lot of thinking from me~ because the women allow their men to commit the hideous mistake.

Putting myself in a plain housewife state 100 years ago, when the world is a male-oriented-culture, when females are not allowed to rule, study, work or vote, when we are not allowed to participate in any activity or organization, when woman were classified as a weak, when we play an insignificant role in the society but to raise a kid and to satisfy our husband. Wouldn’t I accept my husband’s apology after confession, when I am fully aware that I’ve no other place to go and won’t cut it through since I’m just a plain house wife? That’s how we got used to the idea that it’s natural for a man to seek relationship outside marriage.

The movie is an eye opener not because I consent bigamy or polygamy or polyandry but because it talks about equality. It’s an unending debatable topic and can come up with millions of rebuttals as to why a wife should not be given the same chance a husband can enjoy.

Just to make myself Clear

I am stating that I am against polygamy of any other form of outside intimate relationships in a married life. I am Pro-Monogamy. Unfortunately things can’t be perfect and you can try all you want or give it a thousand shot. When things don’t work out I dare you woman to stand up and believe that you can make it after a bad relationship. Love is not easy to lose but disrespect is tantamount to a dead relationship.

Are we ready for the Rainy Daze? Ondoy Experience & Preparation

Are we all ready for the down pour or are we just enjoying it because finally the weather is starting to cool down again?

Personally I really like rainy days although last year’s Ondoy pawned me with fear and panic I’m still glad that everyone in my family and friends are safe. Now are we up for another Ondoy?

Recalling the tragedy~ I was stuck in the office tweeting more than 24 hours with no sleep and rest. I remember commanding everyone not to go home and to stay put until I give them a go signal to go home. No telephone lines in almost all residential, no cell phone signals, no electricity in some part of Manila, Rizal, Quezon City and other neighboring province. I was tired and anxious of what’s going to happen next and praying that the rain would stop.

One of my agents was crying because her daughter was stuck inside their house and climbing the 3^rd floor because the flood water has reached the 2^nd floor ceiling.She's not a catholic but we all prayed the rosary. I guess situation like this breaks the barrier between any religions the important thing is that we all have the same intention.

I was pacing back and forth because I can’t contact anyone in my family, although I know that they'll be safe from flood since our location is situated in a higher ground but then again all the roads that lead to our place was flooded and there’s no way they can get out if they run out of supplies. From time to time I would be able to communicate with my cousin via twitter who was also struggling to get an internet connection. And to my surprise they don’t know the gravity of the situation, maybe because they were all stuck in the house with no electricity and telephone connection.

I was all over the internet the whole 42 hours sleeping for only two hours. I was task to take care of our employee, good thing I have extra cash that day since I have to provide food and supplies for them. I was tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. I was having a hard time digesting all the information I’m getting through internet, people crying for help, dying, drowning, children out in the roof drench and cold, elders who can’t do anything because of their aged strength, government officials saying that they don’t have enough boat to rescue people, people twitting missing family members and friends, and people crying in distress. I was hurt and I was crying in the confinement of my office room.

After 3 days I was glad to be home. I was so tired that I passed out in my bed. I also feel so worn out from internet so I went on hiatus. I left twitter, plurk, facebook, tumblr and blogspot. The exhaustion was something that I haven’t felt in my entire life.

I’m wishing and hoping that our government is doing something in preparation for another Ondoy and I’m praying that it won’t happen again. But we all have to be prepared, now, below are the list of things that you should have in your emergency box/kit in case a storm like Ondoy comes again, make sure it’s handy and easy to carry.

Emergency box/ Storm Kit

• Candles and lighter (Butane)
• 3-5 days’ supply of Can goods, Crackers, noodles or dry food (depending on the size of the family)
• Can opener or Swiss Army Knife
• Drinking water
• Flash lights and batteries
• Transistor radio
• Petroleum Jelly (for blisters and incase a child gets shivery, rub it to their belly, underarm and neck it will make them feel warm)
• First aid kit: bandage, paracetamol, medicine for dehydration, cough and cold, rubbing alcohol, cotton balls and other medicine that may be needed for special cases
• Dry clothes and jackets
• Blankets umbrella and big plastic sheet
• All important document should be wrapped and vacuum in a plastic bag

You may add more depending on your needs but remember that an emergency kit should be easy to carry and not too heavy. It should be situated at the easiest place to find and family members should know where to locate it. Finally find a spot in your house where you feel safe just in case a flood arise, make an escape plan and list all the emergency numbers that you might need.

Oh! Hello JUNE and Hello There RAIN *hugs*

Let’s all be safe!

Bashful Smurfette!

Don’t be bashful ~ I remember being told when I refuse to get from the basket of goodies that was being offered to me during one of the conference I was in. Why does it hit me so much? Thinking of how it was said in a gentle manner makes me feel like getting one or two of those pastries. Although I know that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) eat since I was busy taking notes and listening profoundly to all the discussion.

Was I really a bashful Smurfette? Thinking about it and applying it to old scenarios in my life I think at some point I was.

• Scene 1 when being invited to a party: I remember being invited to a lot during my teen years and how many times I’ve turned down invitations, not unless they carry me or drag me out. I don’t mean special treatment I was just too shy to mingle.
• Scene 2 at a party: I would refuse to neither look at anyone in an eye to eye manner nor talk to anyone I don’t know. If they ask me, I just will give them a one liner and leave after. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable unless of course I’m intoxicated LOL (so I drink a lot! Haha!)
• Scene 3 at a party: I remember being offered to eat but refusing because I feel shy and I think it’s not cool.
• Scene 4 when I was in studying: I remember knowing the answers to the questions thrown by my professors but refusing to raise my hand no matter how sure I was, simply because I don’t want anyone’s attention to be drawn at me.
• Scene 5 when I was still playing in a band: I remember how I never talk to anyone other than my band mates during gigs and just giving people a nod, awkward unsure thanks and burying my head low whenever someone said that we/I did well because I was too timid to start a conversation or maybe intimidated.
• Scene 6 when I was at school: I remember being under a lot of stress when someone talks to me on the first day of class beads of sweat running at my back, can’t look at their eyes and my awkwardness are spilling over the place.

So was I bashful? I think I’m more like lacking self confidence or I’m the bearer of inferiority complex back then.

If you just met me yesterday I know that you’ll be giving a lot of bull crap saying that I’m a bad b*stard who talk nonsense or might be asking me if I’m a fictional writer trying to create a fictional character because you can’t see any of those personality coming from me…but in reality I was “before” that shy, timid, coy, bashful, insecure, introvert, unconfident, antisocial girl in the corner trying to blend within the walls of the room.

My present smurfette:
When you offer me something that I refuse to take and say "No, Thank you!" I really mean NO, it’s not because I’m being bashful or shy its just that I really don’t like it. Yeah I know sometimes or most of the times I’m so full of myself and my big mouth is uncontrollable, I laugh the loudest now, I eat like a pig unless I’m on a diet, I’m that sarcastic blunt person who can’t contain her thoughts and I randomly speak to strangers specially if I caught them looking at me, I just can’t help but ask them why they stare. And sometimes you don’t need to send any invitation I will just show my self in front of your door the moment you say you’ll have a party (don’t worry I don’t do gate crash, I still follow my manners and that’s too unfashionable hahaha) .

I don’t know when or how exactly I recovered those confidence but slowly I have gained it maybe because of my family, my group of friends, my elders who pushed me to lead all those youth organization, the books that I have read, the bands that I have joined and the number of times I stood in front of the stage, those amazing people I meet and inspired me to speak my mind and be the best just like them. Those people who never hold themselves from giving me my bad and good points. Or maybe because despite all of that timidity I am really competitive and losing is something that I can’t stand and lastly maybe because I’m a dreamer I know that keeping myself quiet will only give credit to those people who speak out my ideas.

Broadcast 2000 Awesomeness Music!

I’ve learned about Broadcast 2000 three years ago when I accidentally fall on their single “Get up and Go” while searching at playlist.com for Broadcast “Tender Buttons” (a space pop indie-rock band in England). I was intrigued with Broadcast 2000's music mainly because it was catchy and the melody is soothing to the ears plus the fact that it sounded more than the regular guitar, keyboard, bass and drums. Broadcast 2000 have incorporated instruments like cello, glockenspiel, banjo, ukulele, violin and percussion in their sound, plus the layering of vocals that added appeal to their music. Joe Steer (Vocalist/Songwriter) described their music as “folk-influenced indie Acoustic”.

Their music is very calming and may drive you frantic at the same time, not too noisy and not too pop, the unique mixture of instruments gives you something that you don’t get everyday. Steer offers promising lyrics that speaks to the soul with very likable melody that can stir your emotions. I like it because they don’t sound redundant you can expect different taste in every cut. Steer’s voice is also a big factor in bringing out the essence in their music.

Broadcast 2000 music was mostly used in various advertisements and commercials in UK I guess because they sound very appealing. While searching I stumbled upon some blog reviews and interviews I found out that Joe Steer has no permanent band members, he’s being joined by various musicians. He mentioned that sometimes he does gig with just 3 of his band members or sometimes all nine of them. He also mentioned that most of his songs are recorded and mixed in his bedroom in London. Nevertheless, I really like all of his song, his brilliant song writing talent and the ability to create an excellent melody is a lethal combination. As far as I’m aware of they just debuted live in US this year but their album Building block was released last 2008.

Listen to Get Up and Go <----------- click here