Pffft! Sigh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I’m going nuts! Tomorrow I need to be fast! I’m getting agitated, nervous, disturb, troubled, worried, jumpy, panicky, tense, uneasy that’s all the adjective I can think of to describe how I feel for tomorrow! Dang! I can’t say why but I’ll be posting the reason for my highly eager state tomorrow if I succeed! please don’t make me fail! I got one clue though….
RAT RACE BABY!!!
I have plans, my dangerous mind is playing. I know myself very well when it comes to planning and putting things into action, I know I can make it. I’m very competitive and cognitive recognition is exceedingly outstanding. I can do things once I put my heart into it, I should know that, I’ve done it a thousand times! Waaaaaaaaahahaha I’m trying to motivate myself real bad…real real bad! Hahaha!
I don’t know but I really like you so I gotta have you…so tomorrow you will be mine!!!
Bwaaaaaahahahaha! *evil grin*
Wooooh LET’S GO LEVZ! FIGHT! AYT!
I’m scared of the possibility of me falling in love again, I promised myself it will never happen again...not that I’m in a relationship right now honestly I am not in any of that form. But why am I scared because I can see that it is something that can’t be avoided in one way or another I will fall for someone who I will always doubt and be paranoid of his intentions.
I hate going through the motion of giving myself to a person and being in a vulnerable state, to love is to get hurt and got get hurt is something that I can’t afford. I have turned down men a couple of times and sway away whenever I feel that the friendship is going somewhere I would never want to be in. But this time I am thinking, why am I doing that? Am I going to reject everyone? Don’t I want to be happy? Why am I building so many walls? Why am I blocking them from loving me?
My last relationship was the most disastrous I’ve ever been. I have loved that person unconditionally more that I could ever love myself or anyone in that instance. I was hurt badly I was disarmed and that pain dismantled my soul. For years I was blaming everyone, everything that I can, myself, the people around us, the situation, and the wrong moves. and yet I deny that fact that, that person was the one responsible for all the pain I was going through. He never admit his mistakes and he never said sorry for causing such pain instead he façade me with his “I don’t care how you hurt” face and said all those nasty words that made me who I am right now. He throw away all that we had and he eat all of his words like a famished creature wanting to hide all he could devour so I won’t be able to hunt all those pieces and shove it in his mouth.
I wanted to scream in his face and tell him how much he have damage me but that won’t do any good. That person had grew to someone I don’t know anymore, I’m not familiar on that side of his. He has grown into someone completely alien from that person I grew up with and talking to him about my pain would only be a laughable mistake.
If I could turn back the time I would pick up all the pieces and mistake but all is said and done. Even writing this entry doesn’t help or do any good it’s just me and venting all these turmoil inside me, although years have passed but the damage are irreversible. I have grown to out love that person and I can say I don’t care anymore. but I’m still wishing for sincerity coming from that person at least not for me but between the words that we said and for him to take responsibility and be a dignified matured man because right now all I can see from him are his failures and his pathetic life swinging from one college girl to another and putting away his wacky…tsk tsk tsk…focus and know where you’re heading at, you only have one shot in this life and I won’t be responsible for all the choices that you make and made so stop blaming everything on me because I am beautiful and I trying live a refine life.
Today I promise that I would go easy on myself and open up to the right person, I won’t rush things but be more cautious and meticulous in choosing what is right and be more sensitive to the signs. I would be more objective and be open with the idea or possibility of falling in love again. I don’t wanna wake up feeling that I don’t have a future and I will fall in love but not fall hard on the ground.
Every little girl dream of wearing a white grandiose gown on their wedding day with their knight and shinning armor walking them to the isle. Along with that dream is a tiny little hope that they can be the perfect wife to their husband.
Oh yeah, although I’m not that so lady like I also dreamt of cooking and cleaning the house with my beautiful apron wrap around my tiny waist, my feather duster in my other hand and my shinny red heels. Yeah, the stereotypical wife that is I have dreamt of.
Ok then, let’s define the Stereotypical “cartoonized” Wife:
In my dreams (once/before/past/long ago/in ancient time) I wanted to be that shinny wifey material but as I grow older I realize that life is not all dandy. Each female species I know is on the race to living a better life so being a wife is just a role they have to portray after 8 hours of work. Then the rest will be focused in earning dough to help their husband support their family so they can live a comfortable and decent life.
I remember attending a cooking class at an early age of about 11 or 12, I was trained how to cook well and I guess I can cook decently, basically anything perhaps. I was trained how to manage house hold, those back stabbing pain you get from waxing the floor (Arrrgh!!! I hate those days when my mother will order me to polish the entire floor using my bare hands). I know how to use the washing machine and flat iron. I know how to sew, I even have a knowledge in using a sewing machine, I sometimes alter my own clothes to make it more fitting.
But do I like doing those things? Cooking? Hmmm, maybe, as long as you won’t let me chop the ingredients and wash the dishes after. Waxing the floor? Yeah in your dreams, I can’t even remember the last time I saw or held a broom. Washing and ironing clothes? Nope baby. Not even folding clothes. I will never be that shinny wifey material. Those are just the cliché of my Imagination and I doubt if any wife can live to that expectation, but we are all good in our own ways I might not be able to perform those duties now since I still have to get a good husband but I’ll try to do it once I found the right man to serve.
In my dreams I can see you grinning wide and foolishly asking me to move over and grab the bubblegum that someone left on the other table.
I: NO, don’t be stupid.
You: LOL can’t you be a little bold and silly sometimes.
I: I’m Bold but I’m not dumb
You: I’ll buy you a drink...
I: sure, make it double!
You: that’s what I like about you!
I: HAHAHA! I like you too ^^
That reminds me so much of this song…so I’ll sing it for you. And yes she said “Thanks, I like you too.”
"Birds~ KATE NASH”
She was waiting at the station. He was getting off the train. He didn't have a ticket so he had to bum through the barriers again. Well, the ticket inspector saw him rushing through.
He said “girl you don't know how much I missed you but we'd better run 'cause I haven't got the funds to pay this fine.”
She said "fine"
Well so they ran out of the station and jumped onto a bus with two of yesterdays travel cards and two bottles of bud.
And he said "you look well nice"
Well she was wearing a skirt and he thought she looked nice. And yes, she didn't really care about anything else 'Cause she only wanted him to think that she looked nice and he did. But he was looking at her, yeah all funny in the eye.
She said "come on boy tell me what you're thinking now don't be shy."
He said “alright, I'll try”
“All the stars up in the sky and the leaves in the trees. All the broken bits that make you jump up and grassy bits in between. All the matter in the world is how much I like you."
She said "what?"
He said "let me try and explain again.”
"Right, birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head, till they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful. That's how I feel about you”
“Right, birds can fly so high and they can shit on your head, till they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel well scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful. That's how I feel about you. Yeah, that's how I feel about you."
She said "what?"
He said "you"
She said "what are you talking about?"
He said "you"
"Right, birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head, till they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful. That's how I feel about you”
"Right, birds can fly so high, and they can shit on your head, till they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful. That's how I feel about you. Right, that's how I feel about you.”
She said "thanks, I like you too"
He said "cool"
**Note I adjusted the cuts in the lyrics to make it sound like a regular conversation. ^^v
Times like this when I feel I have to draw the line. For some time I have been very patience and I guess I have given all my understanding. Yeah, you call me bitch and call me the worst person who say’s everything I wanted to say without any repercussion and I think you describe me very well. But didn't you know that I've been very careful with how I deal things with you not because I was required to but because I care. But today I am officially hurting, not mad, not angry, not annoyed but HURT!
I was called by names a million times, I remember I was the “JINX” and I was humiliated a couple of times too…I never argue about that, I was always willing to let it pass and I guess by doing that I have suppressed some emotions inside. I have bottled it all up and now I just can’t take it. Then I have to blame myself because I refuse to deal with it, I let it slip away without knowing that I was cradling it all inside.
Respect! Yes, that’s a very intricate word. How do you define the word respect? Do you show it through words, through action, through thoughts? I don’t know you tell me. Let me realize what the word respect means.
You have stated very well how brutally frank I am, how sarcastic I can be , how diabolic my thinking is and how blunt I speak. But dude! Didn’t you made it clear that you know me and you acknowledged the fact that it’s part of who I am? If I have hurt you or if those are cause of your insolence then why didn’t you say that I was bad being me? I was being ME for God’s sake! And you know what? I won’t even mention any good side of which I am…it’s all up to you my friend, if you can even think of any. Tsk tsk tsk!
And yes I have a heart of stone and I don’t get easily affected by how people look at me, I don’t give a damn to what they say, they don’t matter, they don’t even exist in my world and even if they reject me I wouldn’t give a BS. But WE, we are FRIENDS (aren’t we?).
Now I’m beginning to question and doubt why we are friends? I’m not a person who enumerates the variables between friendships but I’m starting too and I swear it’s not a good feeling. My head is spinning and my heart is aching.
I had it today and I guess it's time to rest my head on this matter…I hope I made it all clear. It's a small issue I know, but I guess I’ll never know when a small bite can trigger my death. I rest my case.
On my birthday I received a lot of greetings and well wishes. But there’s this particular wish that made me think. Someone wished for me to find my own happiness. I know what it pertains to, I started questioning myself. Am I not that happy? Or Do I need anything/anyone to be happy?
What defines your happiness? Hmmmmm….?
I don’t know…I’m not going to tell you the things that should make you happy. You have to decide that on your own.
What makes me happy?
The fact that I’m still alive makes me happy. My son, my family, my friends, my colleagues, my career, my cheap finds, expressing my mind through my blog, travelling, listening to music, playing the guitar, reading books and blogs, taking my pictures and others, drinking and chatting with friends till morning, having a fine conversation with my seniors, I can list all the things even to the tiniest details but some would still question my life’s fulfillment.
I’m young, I can still sail my vessel to any direction that I wish. And I’m not going to depend my happiness on someone or something because I know that it will only be catastrophic. I am happy because I’m happy, it’s a state of mind, it an attitude. I can’t imagine myself living another life than my life today. We can never measure anyone’s happiness, so let’s not judge people by how they live their life and assume that~~ that person is miserable than you just because you think that your happiness will also define that person’s happiness. No don’t do that, don’t make that mistake.
Oh well, I’m happy that someone wished me to find my happiness and just a clarification I’m not angry. In fact, I’m thankful because if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t sit down and stop whatever I am doing to access and check my good sense. Maybe that person also affects me in a way that’s why I have to ask myself and check if I’m happy with my goddamn life. LOL ^^
I visited my old blog account to read and laugh at the silliest me over the years and while I was chucking and cursing about how stupid I was during those days I realized that things hasn’t change at all. I’m still that person who complains about the littlest things in life and I Rant! Rant! Rant!
Me and my no sleeping habit
December 2008 “Pagod na Ako”August 17 2008 “5am and the Ghost”
“So it’s 5am and I lay a wake, bored, no new book to read, no nice show to watch, no one to talk to…what do you do at this time?”
August 16 2008 “ Sleep Sleep VS Bingo”
Today I planned to sleep early. So I went to my room and lie down but my plans was all ruined by the noise outside my window…People are playing BINGO!!!
So the disadvantage of living beside a basketball court now ruled over me…
I can’t sleep! It’s loud and noisy! People scream and the announcers are hilarious…or maybe I’m denying the fact that I am also entertained by how the announcers generate such meaning for every letters. The crowd! The excitement of the crowd as they anxiously wait for the last few letters and numbers to be called so they can win the J-A-C-K-P-O-T… and shout at the top of their lungs B-I-N-G-O!!!! Like it’s the last word that they’ll be saying on their death bed!
As for me…poor me… pretty me… (I know…the pretty part is all true! hehehehe) will have to wait for the game to end, for the crowd to disperse and soon sleep will take over my lovely me! Hehehehe…well, I decided to accept the noise as entertaining rather than annoying, anyway I don’t have any choice and besides I’m trying to channel my aura to a more positive, calm and happy bubuli force…so I vent to writing and listing to good music and occasional peeking outside the window and getting a good laugh! PEACE! Este! BINGO!
Me and my Health/ Mental Health
December 14 2008
“What will you do if you found out that I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, feeling dizzy and grumpy; not in the mood for anything except to bully every living thing that comes my way?
I wouldn’t really know maybe you should call Mandaluyong and tell the head of the psychiatric ward to send in 5 guys with one straight jacket!”
August 27, 2008 “Sick today/ gone tomorrow”
“Today I’m feeling awfully sick, muscle pain, headache and stomach ache…PAIN…I love to think that I am sick because of too much drinking (two days straight)…whoa! (Hehehe I wish). I think I got sick of too much thinking, you see I’ve been through a lot these past few years. Things that I cannot even imagine, not even in my wildest dreams… I think through time you can acquire a certain disease because of too much stress, whether emotional, spiritual, psychological or physical.
Someone told me a few months back, when you feel certain pain in your body and you didn’t do anything about it, chances are you will have greater problem in the future…like a simple headache that’s been distracting you for more than a few days and yet you never do anything about it (talk about my migraine that has been bothering me for so many years, usually starts at November and last until January)
For almost two years I’ve been feeling sick and tired, but for some special reasons I pretend not to feel the pain.
Today I woke up and anxiety took over me and yes I embrace it with arms wide open, yes! Welcome to infirmity…so I took a couple of medicine one for body pain, one for cold , one for cough and another one for fever (hehehe overdose) oh, I forgot I also took one for LBM (addict mode!) plus my regular vitamin potencee 2x a day… sh*t its been a long time since I entertain the pain of being sick hehehehe…for me feeling sick is an option...it’s a choice, if I want to feel sick or just postpone it for another day it my choice! Hehehe. But not anymore, I’m paying the price today. Sob…
2007
NO SLEEP + ILL HEALTH = Disastrous Catastrophic self-destruction ala mode w/cherry on top.
“My weight has dropped down,
Me and the Choices made between mini mini my nimo
November 2, 2008 Choose your ChoiceAt this point I’m in a situation wherein I have to choose which one will do better in my condition. Amidst all the Trials and Triumphs the aftermath of all my past decisions whether good or bad…still doesn’t stop.
This time it’s far more different than what I was accustomed to…it’s a choice between the best given pick and the one that the norms will think is the best pick…Challenging my belief and principles, which is very tough.
I just can’t, although it’s very tempting…
This requires too much emotion on my part and on the part of my pick who never really mind what the norms think and doesn’t give a b*llsh*t… I was lucky to have that.
2007 Pretext of Human Failure
Before you say its destiny and fate, let me tell you about choices…idiots! Destiny and fate: lame excuse…its choices! CHOICES!
So stop blaming the stars for the disastrous out come …
Take the U turn
Me and that wicked woman
August 23, 2008“Last week I was asked to move to a new office space, at first I was really furious, after hearing all the plans that was made before me, I was really depressed and frustrated…Why would they move me to a new office space after being comfortable and productive in my turf!?...so my colleague (who’s not at fault) approached me asking how may tables would I need for my new space? Guess what? I answered the question with an in your face manner and said “you know what? I don’t need a new table and I don’t care how many tables you give me the point is I’m not moving…AYOKO! OK!” and then walked out banging my badge on the door!
Yup! Yup! I made a scene. Every one was talking about my walked out moment …but after puffing my good old cigarette, I’ve realized how unprofessional I acted and I know it’s a mistake…so I went back to my colleague and apologized for my childish act…and my apology was accepted, I guess he knows where I’m coming from.”
Well that’s all that I can post for now since I’m still trying to asses the things that I should be doing at this age…But I’m thankful that God has given me the strength to surpass all the trails. Looking back, who would think that I’ll be able to make it here. At some point I lost my control and totally give up but I refuse to be defeated, instead I encourage the competitive streak in me and take all the challenge that comes along my way. I survived the dark ages and here I am now back my sunny sunshine attitude. Cheers!
Hey there April! Welcome to my year 2010. How have you been? Well, I’m quite enjoying my time wandering and here you come! I miss you, although I know you’ll be adding another mark on my wall (Sigh) but I’ll be welcoming you with a bang!
I’m getting older and yes, It’s time and I’m ready!…a friend of mine once told me: “if you want to find the right one for you, girl this is the best time”… ok so I’m going back to the pool huh!? How do I get back? Is there a new trend in finding the one? hehehehe
I went to this oh not so cool and not too dull party (I didn’t even drink a lot) a guy approach me with his glimmering smile…he said “Hi! So you are ____ friend?” I said “yeah hi!” (FUSHU! made me feel like in a high school soiree…hahahaha so old school and yet I feel like an amateur).10, 000 dozen questions followed one after another…where do you work? What do you do for a living? Someone even ask what brand of make-up I use (makes me wonder hmmmmmm…make-up?) and someone even ask me to challenge them like how I usually conduct interviews, to throw questions and evaluate if they will pass and so on and so forth.
Funny because some of them are just irresistibly charming…but I have put my guards up... I have to be more alert and inquisitive. Thing is, guys now days are simply deceiving and because of that I have to work double time (can't afford to have another mistake), bringing out the Nancy Drew in me…
First things first, differentiate the Well from the Rotten… How? Get to know them…
ASK INTELLECTUAL QUESTIONS
Ask anything that will stir up his intellectual juice, ask him why he took that course in college, ask him the most recent book he had read, ask him what kind of music he listens to, ask him how he view politics and know his social awareness lastly, ask him if he knows the Naiver Stoke equation (Joke, don’t ask him the equation part hahaha! unless you want the man to run away as fast as he could).
KNOW HIS BREAD AND BUTTER
You have to know if the person is earning his own dough or if the man is a living scrub. If he asks a lot of questions about what you do for a living and what not, then take the liberty in asking the same series of questions. If he refuses to answer or give you a series of zigzag unsure response like “I can’t divulge that info because I work as an undercover to some UFO agency” then chances are he’s a bomb or his trying to construct his answer to make it more appealing. Does it matter how much he earns? (YES hahaha!) Not really, what matter is how well he takes his job and if he’s happy with it.
KNOW HIS RELIGIOUS BELIEF
Ask about the guy’s religion and beliefs because those are the fundamental recipes of all relationship, whether its friendship, business or love. But be careful not to create too much fuss about the subject, you don’t have to convert the guy into your religion (yet HAHA!), and please that’s not a best topic for debate unless you want to annoy that person.
GET TO KNOW HIS ROOTS
Ask about his family background. What does his parents do for a living? Ask about his sibling and their relationship. Ask about his mother, guys in reality are all fan of their momma and honestly speaking I would go for a 3rd degree momma’s boy than to know that he despise his mother. Make sure that the guy is someone who value Family. Someone would do things first for his Family before his friends.
IS HE EMOTIONALLY STABLE
Make sure that he is in touch with his emotions, observe how he talk to his friends and how he handle the most crucial situation (this comes on the later part), does he communicate his feelings openly with you, If not, you just got yourself a dry ice, congratulations! But again, not too in touch that he would whimper at the scene of sun rising or sob while watching Titanic.
IS HE LEVEL HEADED
Does your beau handle situation by weighing things or is he the type of a person who would go for spur-of-the-moment. I personally like guys who are spontaneous but only to a certain degree. There are things that can’t be decided by doing mini-mini-my-nimo or rock-paper-scissor or Coin Tossing. I like a man who would lead me or who would give me the pros and cons or who would give sensible advice in whatever decision I make. I would never go for a guy who can’t handle his own sh*t.
KNOW HIS INTEREST
Of course don’t expect that everything will be magic, like everything is coincidently a gift from heaven and amazingly same for both of you. You don’t want your man’s to like shopping or going to a beauty parlor grooming for a hobby or those other stuff that we normally do. But it will be an advantage to know what he likes and what he enjoy doing. In some of my forgotten relationship I fail to do this because I was too selfish to let my exs enjoy their own lives, I ruined their identity by making them watch teenybopper movie, making them listen to heavy metal because I don’t listen to RnB (only had 1 BF who listen to that by the way), changing his fashion taste because he looks too jologs (tacky) in his shirts and others that I refuse to remember HAHAHA! Let the guy have his own identity and let him enjoy what he likes doing.
OK don’t panic you don’t need to ask those question or know all of those things right at your first meeting or he’ll might think that you’re an alien from another planet studying male species. As you go along, like if he asks for your number and calls you that the time you hit the red button…be careful never ask question that you yourself cannot answer or the table will just tip over your face. Don’t impress guys. It’s a fact that guys are mostly scared of strong woman, so be subtle and at the same time don't change your list/criteria because of some pretty face.
Important note:You have to hear everything from the horse's mouth. Don’t rely on what your/his friends are telling you otherwise you’ll be banging your head on the wall. Oh well, have a merry hunting and May we all be prosperous in this side life.
I believe that everyone was born with someone to guide them. May we all find the hand that fit ours ^^v
So why do you keep coming back?
WHY??? Because I can’t find the reason why…
WHY??? Because I’m so tied up…
WHY??? Because I want it intact…
WHY??? Because it was there all the time…
WHY??? Because I’m tired…
WHY??? Because the reasons are endless…
Things that I would like to do for MY MAN
Massage his back after a long tiring day
Wake up early and watch him sleep until he yawns and reach for me.
Sing and play my guitar until he gets tired of listening to my voice.
Fix his collar and tie and hand him his hanky before going to work.
Watch whatever he enjoys watching (I hope he enjoys Myth Busters, ah… whatever will do).
Prepare coffee and toast in the morning for him.
Give him butterfly kisses at night and a kiss in the nose in the morning.
Read his favorite book and discuss what’s interesting in that book.
Contradict his opinion to entice intellectual conversation.
Play dorky to make him laugh.
Cook his favorite food and snacks.
Nag only in a cute manner.
Compliment his hair, smiles and eyes.
Buy his medicine when his not feeling well.
Back him up and support him from doing the things that he wants.
Laugh with him and our silliness till we drop and roll on the floor.
Encourage his competitive streak by not losing to him.
Join his random silliness chain of thoughts with evil grin. BWAHAHAHA!
Things that I want MY MAN to do for me
Let me sleep until I get tired of sleeping with his arms wrap around me.
Read my favorite book or recite my poem.
Let me win in whatever games we have. (Sometime)
Go on a road trip with me and be spontaneous.
Sneak food a night for me. Food Trip Partner.
Smile when I feel down or tickle me when I feel cranky.
Teach me more guitar techniques (if he knows how to play the guitar).
Learn how to play the guitars for me HAHAHA.
Sing w/ me in a karaoke without minding what other people are saying.
Massage my head when I’m having a migraine.
Buy me medicine when I’m sick.
Tell me in my face if I’m acting stupid without hesitation.
Give me surprises every now and then.
Wear the clothes that I think will suit him (we better have the same taste in fashion LOL).
Compliment me in little ways like “you’re a good cook”, “your hair smells good”, “you look nice in that dress” because every woman wants a man who complements their beau.
Caress my hair to calm me down when I’m panicking.
Lastly, never forget any important dates like anniversaries or birthdays.
Oh man, that’s almost near to perfection. My future man might not be able to do everything that I want and I might also fail to do the things that he wants. I just love listing things and who knows one day my knight in shining armor will come to my rescue and complete my list! Wishful thinking!
Now don’t blame me if you’re experiencing goose bumps all over your body, remember that I’ve started this post with warnings. Now whack your heads!
